CAPTIVATING 2

Chapter 2 (summarized)

What Eve Alone Can Tell

"Eve is the crescendo, the final astonishing work of God. Woman. She is the Master's finishing touch." Every woman should remind herself that "the whole, vast world is incomplete with out me. Creation reached its zenith in me." Eve is created because things were not right with out her.

Women are relational to their core. This tells us of God's desire and capacity for intimate relationship, yearns for relationship with us. God longs to be loved by you. God yearns to share a life of beauty, intimacy and adventure with us.

God's mission to Adam and Eve to be fruitful and conquer (Gen 1: 26-28) shows we are to live this adventure of life together. Eve is his "ezer kenegdo" helper, companion, help meet, sustainer beside him, lifesaver alongside. This reflects God's plan to be the lifesaver alongside his created beings, to share in the adventure alongside, not in the sidelines.

Beauty. The created world is filled with the glory of God. The reason why a woman asks, Do you delight in me? is because God does as well. God id captivating beauty.

Beauty speaks. In nature there is rest. That is what it is like to be with a woman at rest. a woman comfortable with her feminine beauty.

Beauty invites. Beauty nourishes and offers life. Beauty comforts and soothes the soul. Beauty inspires. Beauty is transcendent and is sometimes so deep it pierces us with a longing. Beauty draws us to the creator, to God. One of the deepest ways a woman bears the image of God is in her "mystery"- something to be explored. God wants to be known and sought after by those who would know him.

CAPTIVATING

Most of you know how much I enjoy reading a good book. How many of you have read "Captivating" By John and Stasi Eldridge? If you have read it again and comment, and if you haven't, read it. I am only on chapter 5 and I am reading it slowly. I am doing something I never do as well, which is taking notes and journaling on my self reflections. It is a lovely experience.

Chapter 1 (summarized)

A Woman's Heart

A woman's heart desires to be romanced. We love feeling wanted and fought for.

A woman's heart desires a irreplaceable role in a great adventure. a woman is a warrior too.

A woman's heart desires beauty to unveil. To be beautiful, feel beautiful and recognized as beautiful. She has a desire to be captivating in the depths of who she is. In the beauty of your heart, and depth of spirit.

embracing the cold

It is here again so abruptly. cold days. from 85 to 60 degrees to 40 degrees in no time at all. It is funny how when winter turns to spring 50 degrees feels glorious and warm and you don't need a jacket anymore. But. But, when summer turns to fall and quickly to winter after a blissful 80 degrees 50 feels so COLD. What a wimp I have become and how quickly I forget.

I love the colors the leaves turn and how crisp and fresh the air feels and smells. There are piles of leaves, but no Solomon and Benjamin to burry in and laugh.

I am deciding to embrace the fall with all of the glorious pumpkin, root vegetable and squash recipes I can find. In doing so I am loving all of the cinnamon, nutmeg and clove and trying to be careful not to gain back the 15 pounds I worked so hard at getting off of my body. I must keep moving in all of my desire to curl up in a blanket and read all of the time mentality. As I walked up the stairs to get to the computer my muscles reminded me of how hard they are working for me after yesterday's workout. Must keep moving and not bake too many goodies and keep drinking tea instead of longing for hot chocolate.

tiny footprints on a mother's heart

when a baby arrives,

be it for a day, or longer

or perhaps only a sweet flickering moment

the fragile spark of a tender soul

the secret swell of a new pregnancy

the goldfish flutter known only to you

you are un mistakenly changed...

the tiny footprints left behind on your heart

bespeak your name as mother.

Held

Two months is too little

they let him go

they had no sudden healing

to think that providence

would take a child from his mother

while she prays is appalling

who told us we'd be rescued

what has changed and

why should we be saved from nightmares

we're asking why this happens to us

who have died to live, its unfair

this is what it means to be held

how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

and you survive

this is what it is to be loved and to know

that the promise was that when everything fell

we'd be held

this hand is bitterness

we want to taste it and

let the hatred numb our sorrows

the wise hand opens slowly

to lilies of the valley and tomorrow

if hope is born of suffering

if this is only the beginning

can we not wait, for one hour

watching for our savior

this is what it means to be held

how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

and you survive

this is what it is to be loved and to know

that the promise was that when everything fell

we'd be held

Held by Natalie Grant

Thanks Harmony for this song. It helps to get out the tears that weigh me down.

dog park

It has been a little while since I have read all of my friends beautiful blogs.  It has been a while since I have rambled and written.  I needed a season of self  I suppose.  Mother's day this year was harder than I expected.  Now I move forward again.  Still grieving, still wishing, still hoping, still praying to become a mother again.

For now I have my dog so you shall hear me ramble a bit about my dog, Dulce.......

Yesterday I had a glimpse into motherhood.  go a head and laugh while I tell you this.  We took Dulce to the dog park for the first time yesterday.  She is now 6 1/2 months and thought it was time to try.  It was lovely...... 14 acres of fenced in and partially wooded dog park.  I was so happy watching her boldly engage other dogs in a chase including a huge great dane named Orca!  I was so proud that when I called her she would return to me.  I was so proud to watch her in the whole experience.  I love dogs so much and was great for me to watch and pet many of the other dogs.  

When we were heading back toward the entry gate another "doodle" came in.  Jazmin was only 2 months older than Dulce.  Shortly after another 3 year old "doodle"  came and joined the fun.  After prompting by us the other doodle dog parents engaged in small talk and about their doodles.  the conversation was nice until they started asking about where we got our dog and where they got theirs.  My pet shop dog was looked down upon, though we did rescue her and she was prettier than the other two (hear defensive momma tones in my voice).  They went on and on about their breeders and knowing that their puppies have champion studs and dames for parents.  Who cares if you aren't going to show them or breed them.    My dog is healthy and happy.  They totally dismissed us and didn't include us in the rest of the conversation.  

I thought of what it would be like with a group of parents shunning my child because he/she is less than.  shame on them.  

We will go again.  Dulce will run and play with all of the other dogs and we will talk to many other nice, less snobby dog parents.

spring

Last night I went for a walk with Dulce.  I usually do but this night was different.  There was a full moon to light our path and it was a little warmer.  Usually as soon as the sun goes down it is quite chilly.  The air was still for a change.  The air smelled of spring.  Several neighbors have been aerating their lawns and planting new seed so it smelled of earth and of grass how it usually smells after a light rain.  Wisconsin is finally waking up.

I am anxiously waiting for the bulbs that I planted to grow.  I saved Daffodil bulbs that Harmony gave me last year and had put them in the freezer for their winter freeze. I need to see flowers!  I miss the forsythia bushes on Andrew's campus in the spring.  Soon and very soon they will arise.

My mom reminded me of one of my pappy's sayings.  He was always making up something silly.  Literature majors forgive the grammar for my pappy. 

 

                                  Spring is here,

                                  the grass is ris,

                                  I wonder where the flowers is.

Happy Good friday and Happy Easter to all of you.  May the grace of God and the Joy of His Salvation bless you this day.

Home

I live in a state of not knowing where home is.  I can rationalize that home is where ever John and I are together.  That is where true home is.  Home is where your heart is.  Home is where John is for that reason, but that also means that home is where I grew up and where my family is. I wax nostalgic about this because I was blessed to be able to go to California to see my family this last weekend.

I had been asked to come to help with a spiritual retreat which included water therapy, by my friend and former boss Valerie.  She is one of my spiritual sisters who I love.  I didn't think that I could go because of finances, but offered to be a intercessor of prayer for the participants and to help with creating meditations and mini sermonettes as well as verses to incorporate into a meditative art project with water colors.  It was a blessing to help with this and I felt close to God in the process.  Valerie surprised me by saying that I needed to come and she bought me a plane ticket with her flyer miles.

We spent the weekend at Warner Springs Ranch in California.  There is a natural hot spring full of wonderful minerals.  They have an olympic size pool that they mix hot with cool to create a wonderful pool to do therapy in.  It is a private rustic resort so is peaceful and quiet.  We prayed over the area and the waters and set the intention for love and gratitude.  There were 15 women on the trip.  There is healing that occurs when you allow yourself to love and trust those who place their hands on you in the healing power of Jesus and help to facilitate what your body needs to let go of the physical and emotional stress our bodies harbor.  Therapists also got treatment so that meant that I was able to let go of a lot of tension that I didn't realize I had.  One person holds your head, another your low back and pelvis, and another your feet.  you are then able to relax and float as the therapists are able to "listen" to what your body needs and take your body through a dance of unwinding in the warm water.  

We call the weekend "women on the rocks"  because we went for a meditative walk up the little hill to sit on the boulders.  In these rocks are grinding holes that were once used by the women of a native american tribe.  This place looks over the valley of the hot springs, and looks out at the other green rolling hills of the high desert.  Oh how I miss the hills, california sage and the granite boulders of "home."  We each had time of personal meditation and then at our own time walked back to our spot by the pool.  I was able to listen to the Holy Spirit and Jesus helped me to understand the emotions I needed to understand and be revealed to me.  I was able to realize that I needed to forgive myself.  I harbored guilt and responsibility for the death of our baby last year.  I know that there was nothing that I could have done to save him from becoming entangled in the cord and if I did know, he was too little to survive on his own.  I needed to give up my sense of failure as a woman, wife and mother.  I also need to give up my fear of another loss to Jesus so that I can move forward and be able to try for and accept another life in my womb.  

The joy of the weekend was being able to share that with my mom as she also went on the retreat. Having my mom and Val there to help me on this journey was so important because I needed to be able to verbalize my new revelations and be able to cry as I have not been allowing my self to do.  I was able to help others through their own journey of healing as well.  I was able to help Valerie in spiritual leadership which felt natural, unlike at the two churches that John is pastoring in.  I was able to give and receive which was such a blessing.

Not only was the retreat a beauty in itself, but I was also able to spend quality time with my brother Scott, sister-in-law Erika, and my niece Abigail before and after the retreat.  I was able to have an entire day with Abigail who turned 4 in December.  It is good to be loved and be "Auntie Bee."  That day reminded me of the goal and the hope of having my own family, and of the love that I have from my brother, sister and niece.  It is good to play and laugh and explore through the eyes of a 4 year old.

This all came at a wonderful time.  I came home to John on March 31, and on April 1st we remembered the day that Aidan was born and laughed and cried and journeyed together.  I feel that God blessed me by being able to have this weekend with the women on the rocks so that I could seek Him and know that I would survive and that I have a purpose before the saddness of April 1st set in.  I have had my great cry for 2 days and I will have times when I need to cry again and I have to allow that for myself.  

I long for the time when Jesus shall return and there will be no more sorrow, no more loss, and our brokenness will be replaced by nothing but love, peace and joy.

I needed that

Thank you to my girls, Lindsey, Jodi, and Katie for a wonderful evening chatting about life's wonderful delights; weddings, food, books, movies, books, relationships, books, rodents and bugs, and books.  How I have missed those times sitting on the couch and just laughing, blabbing and hugging and smiling.  I just wish Harmony and Heather could have been there to have made it complete with ALL of my favorite girls from the latter year in Berrien springs.  I love you, I love you and cherish the moments we had together.  How I hated it to come to an end.

a recipe to share- acorn squash

I have been looking through my cookbooks in search of new ideas and came upon this recipe.  It was a dining experience.  It was dinner and desert in one which made me feel like I was getting away with something, but really wasn't.  I thought I would share the recipe so that you can try if you would like.  Sorry about the picture.  It is from the cookbook because I didn't think to take an actual picture until after I ate half of it and it wasn't looking pretty. I made a half recipe because I hadn't made this before, but I wish that I had left overs!

MAPLE-GLAZED TOFU IN ACORN SQUASH 

 (prep time 20 mins    cook time 1 hour)

2 medium acorn squash                                      

1  1/2 c. vegetable broth                                      

1 /2 c. dried cranberries or raisins                          

1/4 c. pure maple syrup                                     

2 large Granny smith apples                             

1 tbsp. lemon juice                                               

3/4 tsp. cinnamon                                               

1/8 tsp. ground nutmeg 

2 tbsp. chopped walnuts

1 (14 oz.) package extra firm tofu (cut into 1/2 in cubes)                   

1 tbsp. balsamic vinegar

1 tsp. cornstarch

1/3 c. thinly sliced green onions

1/2 c. nonfat sour cream (plain or vanilla yogurt) 

cut each squash in half lengthwise; scoop out and discard seeds. place squash halves, cut side down in a 9x13 baking dish. add broth.  bake in 350 deg. oven  for 60 minutes.

in a small bowl, combine cranberries and syrup.  let stand about 10 mins stirring occasionally.  peel, core, and thinly slice apples; place in a large bowl, add lemon juice and stir to coat apples with juice.  stir in cinnamon and nutmeg and set aside.

toast walnuts in a wide pan over medium heat, stirring often until golden.  remove from pan and set aside.

in pan, combine apples, cranberry mixture, and 1/4 c. water. cook over medium heat, stirring gently until apples are tender.  add tofu and cook until heated through (about 4 minutes).  In a small bowl, smoothly blend vinegar and cornstarch; add to tofu mixture.  cook, stirring, until sauce boils and thickens slightly. remove from heat and stir in onions.

arrange each squash half skin side down in a shallow individual bowl.  fill squash halves equally with tofu mixture; top with sour cream and sprinkle with walnuts.

makes 4 servings.  ea. serving 463 calories.  It was very filling and doesn't need anything to go with it.

new book

This is for my friends who share a love of the Anne of Green Gables book series.  Do you know that someone wrote a prequel?  Yes they did.  If you knew before me and didn't tell me, well then shame on you for that.  I received a copy of the book from my dear grammy who I visited in Seattle last week.  I was reading the books one summer while visiting her and got her hooked too, so she knew I would need to have it.

I have read 3/4 of the book already and I am thoroughly enjoying it.  You learn about people that Anne only told stories about from her past.  I think the author did a good job with writing close to the same style as Montgomery so to be convincing as a prequel.

The name of the book is called "'Before Green Gables" by Budge Wilson.  Care to read it and comment with me?

love, love, love....

Today I am reflecting on love.  My mushy womaness needs to think about love.  So often I am struck at random moments in my day at how fortunate I am to have the love of a wonderful man.  With Valentine's day, the Hallmark holiday of love, coming up  I ponder the subject of love today.  We are planning a special communion and agape feast celebration at church to celebrate the love of a beautiful creator God and our Lord and savior.  

I wonder if because Adam and Eve walked in the garden and had a face to face relationship with God, that they appreciated each other in their marriage so much more.  I wonder because whether they were able to see more clearly the beauty of their strengths in each other because they could see them directly in God.  We were both created in his image, man and woman he created them.  Men have their physical strength, ability to problem solve and "fix," to show a love that makes woman feel as if they are the only other being in this world to him, as Christ loves the church.  Man has a full list of other wonderful qualities, but I shall leave it at that for now and those who chose to comment may add to the list if they so chose.  Women are blessed with beautiful emotion and emotional thinking, nurturing, and desire for relational connection.

Woman also has a full list of wonderful qualities.  I am convinced that it wasn't until after the fall that man and women began this whole "I don't understand you," Mars and Venus thing.  Sin deceives us into being lazy and not trying to understand each other empathetically.  It takes too much work and strength to communicate?

Being a woman I am inclined to think further upon our emotions and that aspect of which we obtained from God.  God calls us to "submit" to our husbands.  Today's woman sees this word "submit" as a dirty word.  " I don't have to submit to anyone, I am my own person. I can do what I want when I want.  Women's lib and all that."  Submission to your husband and to God is such a beautiful thing.  It isn't always easy, but is beautiful none the less.  Christ submitted to the will of the desire to save humans from this desperate sin we live in.  God promises to never leave us or forsake us, no matter the ugliness that we commit.  His love is so great it is an ever lasting love.  Submitting to my husband is a little piece of that.  How beautiful for him to receive the love and respect that he deserves.  When he feels that he loves me and makes me feel like I am his world.  I will never tire of hearing John say "you are my everything."  He says it even when I am a mess, but I know that he means it.  Hearing thus makes me want to be a better wife.  We have our short comings and still need to work on our communication, but we prioritize and work at making each other most important.

I have had the privilege of witnessing great love for each other in both my maternal and paternal grandparents.  I have the honor of having friends who have beautiful love; the Moores, Painters,  Burnets, Duncans, Martinez', Gredekis,  who are all beautiful to be around and and witness the dance of two united hearts. ( I have also been embarrassed  for  a lot of couples because of how rotten and degrading they are to one another.)  We all need to be that good example to those around us  to show that beautiful unity of the trinity and God's great love for us in all our humanity.  We need to continue to appreciate each other, men and women, for the strengths and differences that we have that make our relationships complete. 

I could go on for hours, but I am hoping that all of you will comment and leave your reflections to my ramblings and your own thoughts on love.

something blue

Lindsey said that I should have something blue next.  I wish so much that I had something pink or blue to talk about.  I only have the blues.  I need your prayers.  I had sweet success for 2 weeks only to have it gone again.  I have been looking through the scriptures to look at the women of the bible who had difficulty having a baby and how God utilized them and what they may have learned from the experience.  I am trying to remain positive.  I just miss Aidan.  Please give any "girls of the bible"  insight you can help with.  It would be nice to hear your perspective.

something I borrowed

I went to the Greenfield library to borrow "How to house train your puppy."  As the picture shows she still needs to learn her boundaries.  "Leave it" is the command of choice these days. She has decided that John's shoe is wonderful and too fun to be left alone.   She has already mastered "sit" and "come"  (well most of the time).  These books are funny.  What they say doesn't always work with my dog, and I imagine that they are like parenting books that give you great theory, but doesn't always work for your child.

We have been having a lot of fun these days.  She is a source of joy to my heart because she makes me laugh so much.  

She has made friends with most of the neighbors who have come out to get their mail.  She is not sure about dogs, who are they anyway?  She walks back home if she sees one. 

She made me laugh when she growled at the fire hydrant at the end of our street, then 20 steps further got freaked out and barked at her shadow.  She walked around a tree and couldn't figure out how to go back around the way she came and didn't understand why her leash wasn't letting her go further.  she looked up at me like, "what gives"  so I walked around the tree to untangle her.  She thought how fun and chased me around.  We went around and around until I got dizzy.  Silly dog.  She has taught me that it is good to play.

someone new

     Someone new came to live at our house.  Her name is Dulce which means "sweet" in spanish.  John didn't want a "people" name so we started saying the first things that came to our minds.  "Cinnamon"was a favorite, but that was Eleanor Moore's nickname before she was born.  I jokingly said, "how about a starbuck's cinnamon dulce latte?"  And Dulce stuck.  

      She is a Golden-doodle, half golden retriever and half poodle.  She won't shed which was one of John's requests, and she won't be a little dog for long either, also a request of John's.  I am thrilled to have a puppy.  I have been waiting for four and a half years to get a puppy.  Life is better with a dog.  Remind me that I said that when I say I am tired from waking up in the night to take her out to do her potty thing, or if she eats something I didn't want her to. I didn't sleep well last night thinking I wouldn't wake up if she needed to go out.   She is only 9 weeks old so we have a lot of house training ahead of us.  She is teaching me how to be a good dog-momma.

     She was born 11-11-08, weighs 11.6 pounds, and is tons of fun. 

something old

My friend Katie started the never ending blog about christmas memories on her site and it made me think.  Of all the memories that I have, I posted a comment about remembering german springerle cookies.  My great-grandma, grandma, mom and I would make them only at christmas.  I don't know if they are meant to be this way, but ours were always rock hard.  you could only ever eat one cookie because it would take an hour of dunking it in hot tea to soften it enough to eat it.  When I think of it they aren't anything special, they are a simple cookie with anise seeds.  The joy was in the process of making them.  That special time with my mamaw and mom, that was what made the cookies great.  The other wonderful part was using the special board to make imprints in the dough that we rolled out, then using the cutting wheel to cut them into little rectangles.

After thinking about all of this, I called my mom and we laughed and talked about the springerle and the process.  You have to let them dry out over night and bake them the next day.  To my surprise and great joy my mom brought the board and recipe when she came to visit for christmas.  She said "I think it is time to pass on the board to your keeping."  How lovely.  Who knows how many generations old it is. Hopefully it will be enjoyed for many more generations to come.