I live in a state of not knowing where home is. I can rationalize that home is where ever John and I are together. That is where true home is. Home is where your heart is. Home is where John is for that reason, but that also means that home is where I grew up and where my family is. I wax nostalgic about this because I was blessed to be able to go to California to see my family this last weekend.
I had been asked to come to help with a spiritual retreat which included water therapy, by my friend and former boss Valerie. She is one of my spiritual sisters who I love. I didn't think that I could go because of finances, but offered to be a intercessor of prayer for the participants and to help with creating meditations and mini sermonettes as well as verses to incorporate into a meditative art project with water colors. It was a blessing to help with this and I felt close to God in the process. Valerie surprised me by saying that I needed to come and she bought me a plane ticket with her flyer miles.
We spent the weekend at Warner Springs Ranch in California. There is a natural hot spring full of wonderful minerals. They have an olympic size pool that they mix hot with cool to create a wonderful pool to do therapy in. It is a private rustic resort so is peaceful and quiet. We prayed over the area and the waters and set the intention for love and gratitude. There were 15 women on the trip. There is healing that occurs when you allow yourself to love and trust those who place their hands on you in the healing power of Jesus and help to facilitate what your body needs to let go of the physical and emotional stress our bodies harbor. Therapists also got treatment so that meant that I was able to let go of a lot of tension that I didn't realize I had. One person holds your head, another your low back and pelvis, and another your feet. you are then able to relax and float as the therapists are able to "listen" to what your body needs and take your body through a dance of unwinding in the warm water.
We call the weekend "women on the rocks" because we went for a meditative walk up the little hill to sit on the boulders. In these rocks are grinding holes that were once used by the women of a native american tribe. This place looks over the valley of the hot springs, and looks out at the other green rolling hills of the high desert. Oh how I miss the hills, california sage and the granite boulders of "home." We each had time of personal meditation and then at our own time walked back to our spot by the pool. I was able to listen to the Holy Spirit and Jesus helped me to understand the emotions I needed to understand and be revealed to me. I was able to realize that I needed to forgive myself. I harbored guilt and responsibility for the death of our baby last year. I know that there was nothing that I could have done to save him from becoming entangled in the cord and if I did know, he was too little to survive on his own. I needed to give up my sense of failure as a woman, wife and mother. I also need to give up my fear of another loss to Jesus so that I can move forward and be able to try for and accept another life in my womb.
The joy of the weekend was being able to share that with my mom as she also went on the retreat. Having my mom and Val there to help me on this journey was so important because I needed to be able to verbalize my new revelations and be able to cry as I have not been allowing my self to do. I was able to help others through their own journey of healing as well. I was able to help Valerie in spiritual leadership which felt natural, unlike at the two churches that John is pastoring in. I was able to give and receive which was such a blessing.
Not only was the retreat a beauty in itself, but I was also able to spend quality time with my brother Scott, sister-in-law Erika, and my niece Abigail before and after the retreat. I was able to have an entire day with Abigail who turned 4 in December. It is good to be loved and be "Auntie Bee." That day reminded me of the goal and the hope of having my own family, and of the love that I have from my brother, sister and niece. It is good to play and laugh and explore through the eyes of a 4 year old.
This all came at a wonderful time. I came home to John on March 31, and on April 1st we remembered the day that Aidan was born and laughed and cried and journeyed together. I feel that God blessed me by being able to have this weekend with the women on the rocks so that I could seek Him and know that I would survive and that I have a purpose before the saddness of April 1st set in. I have had my great cry for 2 days and I will have times when I need to cry again and I have to allow that for myself.
I long for the time when Jesus shall return and there will be no more sorrow, no more loss, and our brokenness will be replaced by nothing but love, peace and joy.
