hi old friends

Hi old friends.  My knitting needles have not seen me in 8 months.  No time.  Now my girl has been sleeping better at night and this momma is better rested.

Here is the start of a little sweater with the softest cotton yarn.  Hopefully I can get this done in the evenings so that it is done for her birthday. (so it fits! 12 month size else it will be a shrug.)

I am much more proficient at crochet and find it to be relaxing.  Here is to hoping that knitting will not stress me out this time.  Looking forward to a finished product for my cutie.  I love her so much.

the mirror

Motherhood is a mirror. It reminds me that I have become too serious due to past sadness, and now I need to play. I cannot get caught up in the things that need to be done if it means sacrificing spending time enjoying the now. As my sweet baby girl crawls and explores now I am learning how to also explore. We giggled over being under the table and chairs rather than sitting upon them. Water is meant to be splashed in even if it is the dogs bowl. I have to shed my initial reaction of " ick" when everything gets messy. Smearing dinner in a tray, on ones face and in hands is all about experiencing how things feel, not poor table manners. There will be a time and place for that in years to come. When did I stop seeing life like those little eyes do? She is teaching me as much as I am teaching her. I am reminded of how selfish I am, how inept I feel when I don't know what to do, how incredibly blessed I am.

It is 7:30 p.m. and baby is in bed sleeping. My hair is all a frizz. I have bits of breakfast, lunch and dinner, and snacks in between as well as something unidentifiable on my shirt. I am more exhausted than I ever felt from a full day at work. I am happy.

Pictures

One of my favorite things to do growing up was to sit with my mamaw and look at family pictures that she kept piled in a desk drawer. My momma had a similarly stuffed drawer in her desk at home. "momma, tell me about this one....." I would love to hear the stories they would share. When my mamaw died all I wanted were pictures. I save pictures and love even the fuzzy ones. I love digital cameras for the sole reason that I can just keep taking pictures and download them. I don't have to save up money to have them all printed, I can enjoy right away.

This week we went to a photo studio with our coupon for "favorite pose package" for $7.99. I wanted to have pictures of Emma taken and a family photo. We had a good time and then sat down to view the photos and choose our favorite one that we were going to purchase. I kept thinking "I know all we can afford with our budget is the coupon price, but what happens to all the other beautiful pictures. ...they will just be deleted!" I actually got teary-eyed and choked up when I had to chose only one. I am very happy with the one I chose, but still feel sad that I cannot have them all.

A New Day

Just recently I discovered an important fact that I need to remind myself of daily now. When you don't open up and share your life with others, you steal their ability to learn from you and share in your joys and sorrows in life. That statement may seem easy and a given to most, but to me who is more introspective and introverted, though I love people and love listening to their stories, it is a struggle. I am not gifted with the ability to write and speak in an eloquent manner, but I do sometimes think more clearly when I journal. Most of the time the journal is only for my eyes, which is why I have not had an easy time with this blog concept. That is clearly revealed by the fact that my last post was from over two years ago. That said, here I go....

April first, yesterday is and has been a hard day for me for the last 4 years. Everyday is tough in remembering, but April first is a day that marks a time that should have been filled with happiness. Four years ago in 2008 I gave birth to our firstborn, our beautiful baby boy at 21 weeks. When he was finally born after 24 hours of labor, we were filled with relief that part was over for those 24 hours were spent grieving the fact that when he arrived he would not be alive. He had tangled in his life support, the umbilical cord, and met his demise as revealed on ultrasound. The sorrow is so deep, there isn't a word that describes the loss of your child. It goes far beyond not having your baby. It is empty arms that were ready to hold, it is dreams that would not be fulfilled, it is so much more that in the last four years I have not found the words to describe. We experienced 3 first trimester miscarriages over the next three years and with that other holes are created in my heart.

Yesterday I sought the ability to search out my blessings that have come only through that sorrow. I have been able to develop a empathy to other women that others cannot grasp unless they too have suffered a loss. I have had opportunity to minister to women in a special way because of it. I am blessed because the experience of loss drew and continues to draw my husband together in an amazing way. I always knew he was wonderful and that he loves me deeply, but this magnified it so much more and I appreciate him the way I should for the wonderful man he is. I am blessed because last year we were blessed with our now 6 month old beautiful baby girl. I sometimes look at her and though I am appreciating her for who she is I still wonder how her brother might have been at her age. My arms are no longer empty and though she does not fill the holes I have in my heart, she brings to me a fullness of love in being her mother that helps to cover the old wounds so that they aren't quite as sharp.

Today is a new day, each day is a new day to reflect on how I have grown, how I have learned and how I have persevered and how blessed I am.