A New Day

Just recently I discovered an important fact that I need to remind myself of daily now. When you don't open up and share your life with others, you steal their ability to learn from you and share in your joys and sorrows in life. That statement may seem easy and a given to most, but to me who is more introspective and introverted, though I love people and love listening to their stories, it is a struggle. I am not gifted with the ability to write and speak in an eloquent manner, but I do sometimes think more clearly when I journal. Most of the time the journal is only for my eyes, which is why I have not had an easy time with this blog concept. That is clearly revealed by the fact that my last post was from over two years ago. That said, here I go....

April first, yesterday is and has been a hard day for me for the last 4 years. Everyday is tough in remembering, but April first is a day that marks a time that should have been filled with happiness. Four years ago in 2008 I gave birth to our firstborn, our beautiful baby boy at 21 weeks. When he was finally born after 24 hours of labor, we were filled with relief that part was over for those 24 hours were spent grieving the fact that when he arrived he would not be alive. He had tangled in his life support, the umbilical cord, and met his demise as revealed on ultrasound. The sorrow is so deep, there isn't a word that describes the loss of your child. It goes far beyond not having your baby. It is empty arms that were ready to hold, it is dreams that would not be fulfilled, it is so much more that in the last four years I have not found the words to describe. We experienced 3 first trimester miscarriages over the next three years and with that other holes are created in my heart.

Yesterday I sought the ability to search out my blessings that have come only through that sorrow. I have been able to develop a empathy to other women that others cannot grasp unless they too have suffered a loss. I have had opportunity to minister to women in a special way because of it. I am blessed because the experience of loss drew and continues to draw my husband together in an amazing way. I always knew he was wonderful and that he loves me deeply, but this magnified it so much more and I appreciate him the way I should for the wonderful man he is. I am blessed because last year we were blessed with our now 6 month old beautiful baby girl. I sometimes look at her and though I am appreciating her for who she is I still wonder how her brother might have been at her age. My arms are no longer empty and though she does not fill the holes I have in my heart, she brings to me a fullness of love in being her mother that helps to cover the old wounds so that they aren't quite as sharp.

Today is a new day, each day is a new day to reflect on how I have grown, how I have learned and how I have persevered and how blessed I am.