tiny footprints on a mother's heart

when a baby arrives,

be it for a day, or longer

or perhaps only a sweet flickering moment

the fragile spark of a tender soul

the secret swell of a new pregnancy

the goldfish flutter known only to you

you are un mistakenly changed...

the tiny footprints left behind on your heart

bespeak your name as mother.

Held

Two months is too little

they let him go

they had no sudden healing

to think that providence

would take a child from his mother

while she prays is appalling

who told us we'd be rescued

what has changed and

why should we be saved from nightmares

we're asking why this happens to us

who have died to live, its unfair

this is what it means to be held

how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

and you survive

this is what it is to be loved and to know

that the promise was that when everything fell

we'd be held

this hand is bitterness

we want to taste it and

let the hatred numb our sorrows

the wise hand opens slowly

to lilies of the valley and tomorrow

if hope is born of suffering

if this is only the beginning

can we not wait, for one hour

watching for our savior

this is what it means to be held

how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

and you survive

this is what it is to be loved and to know

that the promise was that when everything fell

we'd be held

Held by Natalie Grant

Thanks Harmony for this song. It helps to get out the tears that weigh me down.

dog park

It has been a little while since I have read all of my friends beautiful blogs.  It has been a while since I have rambled and written.  I needed a season of self  I suppose.  Mother's day this year was harder than I expected.  Now I move forward again.  Still grieving, still wishing, still hoping, still praying to become a mother again.

For now I have my dog so you shall hear me ramble a bit about my dog, Dulce.......

Yesterday I had a glimpse into motherhood.  go a head and laugh while I tell you this.  We took Dulce to the dog park for the first time yesterday.  She is now 6 1/2 months and thought it was time to try.  It was lovely...... 14 acres of fenced in and partially wooded dog park.  I was so happy watching her boldly engage other dogs in a chase including a huge great dane named Orca!  I was so proud that when I called her she would return to me.  I was so proud to watch her in the whole experience.  I love dogs so much and was great for me to watch and pet many of the other dogs.  

When we were heading back toward the entry gate another "doodle" came in.  Jazmin was only 2 months older than Dulce.  Shortly after another 3 year old "doodle"  came and joined the fun.  After prompting by us the other doodle dog parents engaged in small talk and about their doodles.  the conversation was nice until they started asking about where we got our dog and where they got theirs.  My pet shop dog was looked down upon, though we did rescue her and she was prettier than the other two (hear defensive momma tones in my voice).  They went on and on about their breeders and knowing that their puppies have champion studs and dames for parents.  Who cares if you aren't going to show them or breed them.    My dog is healthy and happy.  They totally dismissed us and didn't include us in the rest of the conversation.  

I thought of what it would be like with a group of parents shunning my child because he/she is less than.  shame on them.  

We will go again.  Dulce will run and play with all of the other dogs and we will talk to many other nice, less snobby dog parents.

spring

Last night I went for a walk with Dulce.  I usually do but this night was different.  There was a full moon to light our path and it was a little warmer.  Usually as soon as the sun goes down it is quite chilly.  The air was still for a change.  The air smelled of spring.  Several neighbors have been aerating their lawns and planting new seed so it smelled of earth and of grass how it usually smells after a light rain.  Wisconsin is finally waking up.

I am anxiously waiting for the bulbs that I planted to grow.  I saved Daffodil bulbs that Harmony gave me last year and had put them in the freezer for their winter freeze. I need to see flowers!  I miss the forsythia bushes on Andrew's campus in the spring.  Soon and very soon they will arise.

My mom reminded me of one of my pappy's sayings.  He was always making up something silly.  Literature majors forgive the grammar for my pappy. 

 

                                  Spring is here,

                                  the grass is ris,

                                  I wonder where the flowers is.

Happy Good friday and Happy Easter to all of you.  May the grace of God and the Joy of His Salvation bless you this day.

Home

I live in a state of not knowing where home is.  I can rationalize that home is where ever John and I are together.  That is where true home is.  Home is where your heart is.  Home is where John is for that reason, but that also means that home is where I grew up and where my family is. I wax nostalgic about this because I was blessed to be able to go to California to see my family this last weekend.

I had been asked to come to help with a spiritual retreat which included water therapy, by my friend and former boss Valerie.  She is one of my spiritual sisters who I love.  I didn't think that I could go because of finances, but offered to be a intercessor of prayer for the participants and to help with creating meditations and mini sermonettes as well as verses to incorporate into a meditative art project with water colors.  It was a blessing to help with this and I felt close to God in the process.  Valerie surprised me by saying that I needed to come and she bought me a plane ticket with her flyer miles.

We spent the weekend at Warner Springs Ranch in California.  There is a natural hot spring full of wonderful minerals.  They have an olympic size pool that they mix hot with cool to create a wonderful pool to do therapy in.  It is a private rustic resort so is peaceful and quiet.  We prayed over the area and the waters and set the intention for love and gratitude.  There were 15 women on the trip.  There is healing that occurs when you allow yourself to love and trust those who place their hands on you in the healing power of Jesus and help to facilitate what your body needs to let go of the physical and emotional stress our bodies harbor.  Therapists also got treatment so that meant that I was able to let go of a lot of tension that I didn't realize I had.  One person holds your head, another your low back and pelvis, and another your feet.  you are then able to relax and float as the therapists are able to "listen" to what your body needs and take your body through a dance of unwinding in the warm water.  

We call the weekend "women on the rocks"  because we went for a meditative walk up the little hill to sit on the boulders.  In these rocks are grinding holes that were once used by the women of a native american tribe.  This place looks over the valley of the hot springs, and looks out at the other green rolling hills of the high desert.  Oh how I miss the hills, california sage and the granite boulders of "home."  We each had time of personal meditation and then at our own time walked back to our spot by the pool.  I was able to listen to the Holy Spirit and Jesus helped me to understand the emotions I needed to understand and be revealed to me.  I was able to realize that I needed to forgive myself.  I harbored guilt and responsibility for the death of our baby last year.  I know that there was nothing that I could have done to save him from becoming entangled in the cord and if I did know, he was too little to survive on his own.  I needed to give up my sense of failure as a woman, wife and mother.  I also need to give up my fear of another loss to Jesus so that I can move forward and be able to try for and accept another life in my womb.  

The joy of the weekend was being able to share that with my mom as she also went on the retreat. Having my mom and Val there to help me on this journey was so important because I needed to be able to verbalize my new revelations and be able to cry as I have not been allowing my self to do.  I was able to help others through their own journey of healing as well.  I was able to help Valerie in spiritual leadership which felt natural, unlike at the two churches that John is pastoring in.  I was able to give and receive which was such a blessing.

Not only was the retreat a beauty in itself, but I was also able to spend quality time with my brother Scott, sister-in-law Erika, and my niece Abigail before and after the retreat.  I was able to have an entire day with Abigail who turned 4 in December.  It is good to be loved and be "Auntie Bee."  That day reminded me of the goal and the hope of having my own family, and of the love that I have from my brother, sister and niece.  It is good to play and laugh and explore through the eyes of a 4 year old.

This all came at a wonderful time.  I came home to John on March 31, and on April 1st we remembered the day that Aidan was born and laughed and cried and journeyed together.  I feel that God blessed me by being able to have this weekend with the women on the rocks so that I could seek Him and know that I would survive and that I have a purpose before the saddness of April 1st set in.  I have had my great cry for 2 days and I will have times when I need to cry again and I have to allow that for myself.  

I long for the time when Jesus shall return and there will be no more sorrow, no more loss, and our brokenness will be replaced by nothing but love, peace and joy.

I needed that

Thank you to my girls, Lindsey, Jodi, and Katie for a wonderful evening chatting about life's wonderful delights; weddings, food, books, movies, books, relationships, books, rodents and bugs, and books.  How I have missed those times sitting on the couch and just laughing, blabbing and hugging and smiling.  I just wish Harmony and Heather could have been there to have made it complete with ALL of my favorite girls from the latter year in Berrien springs.  I love you, I love you and cherish the moments we had together.  How I hated it to come to an end.

a recipe to share- acorn squash

I have been looking through my cookbooks in search of new ideas and came upon this recipe.  It was a dining experience.  It was dinner and desert in one which made me feel like I was getting away with something, but really wasn't.  I thought I would share the recipe so that you can try if you would like.  Sorry about the picture.  It is from the cookbook because I didn't think to take an actual picture until after I ate half of it and it wasn't looking pretty. I made a half recipe because I hadn't made this before, but I wish that I had left overs!

MAPLE-GLAZED TOFU IN ACORN SQUASH 

 (prep time 20 mins    cook time 1 hour)

2 medium acorn squash                                      

1  1/2 c. vegetable broth                                      

1 /2 c. dried cranberries or raisins                          

1/4 c. pure maple syrup                                     

2 large Granny smith apples                             

1 tbsp. lemon juice                                               

3/4 tsp. cinnamon                                               

1/8 tsp. ground nutmeg 

2 tbsp. chopped walnuts

1 (14 oz.) package extra firm tofu (cut into 1/2 in cubes)                   

1 tbsp. balsamic vinegar

1 tsp. cornstarch

1/3 c. thinly sliced green onions

1/2 c. nonfat sour cream (plain or vanilla yogurt) 

cut each squash in half lengthwise; scoop out and discard seeds. place squash halves, cut side down in a 9x13 baking dish. add broth.  bake in 350 deg. oven  for 60 minutes.

in a small bowl, combine cranberries and syrup.  let stand about 10 mins stirring occasionally.  peel, core, and thinly slice apples; place in a large bowl, add lemon juice and stir to coat apples with juice.  stir in cinnamon and nutmeg and set aside.

toast walnuts in a wide pan over medium heat, stirring often until golden.  remove from pan and set aside.

in pan, combine apples, cranberry mixture, and 1/4 c. water. cook over medium heat, stirring gently until apples are tender.  add tofu and cook until heated through (about 4 minutes).  In a small bowl, smoothly blend vinegar and cornstarch; add to tofu mixture.  cook, stirring, until sauce boils and thickens slightly. remove from heat and stir in onions.

arrange each squash half skin side down in a shallow individual bowl.  fill squash halves equally with tofu mixture; top with sour cream and sprinkle with walnuts.

makes 4 servings.  ea. serving 463 calories.  It was very filling and doesn't need anything to go with it.