hi old friends

Hi old friends.  My knitting needles have not seen me in 8 months.  No time.  Now my girl has been sleeping better at night and this momma is better rested.

Here is the start of a little sweater with the softest cotton yarn.  Hopefully I can get this done in the evenings so that it is done for her birthday. (so it fits! 12 month size else it will be a shrug.)

I am much more proficient at crochet and find it to be relaxing.  Here is to hoping that knitting will not stress me out this time.  Looking forward to a finished product for my cutie.  I love her so much.

the mirror

Motherhood is a mirror. It reminds me that I have become too serious due to past sadness, and now I need to play. I cannot get caught up in the things that need to be done if it means sacrificing spending time enjoying the now. As my sweet baby girl crawls and explores now I am learning how to also explore. We giggled over being under the table and chairs rather than sitting upon them. Water is meant to be splashed in even if it is the dogs bowl. I have to shed my initial reaction of " ick" when everything gets messy. Smearing dinner in a tray, on ones face and in hands is all about experiencing how things feel, not poor table manners. There will be a time and place for that in years to come. When did I stop seeing life like those little eyes do? She is teaching me as much as I am teaching her. I am reminded of how selfish I am, how inept I feel when I don't know what to do, how incredibly blessed I am.

It is 7:30 p.m. and baby is in bed sleeping. My hair is all a frizz. I have bits of breakfast, lunch and dinner, and snacks in between as well as something unidentifiable on my shirt. I am more exhausted than I ever felt from a full day at work. I am happy.

Pictures

One of my favorite things to do growing up was to sit with my mamaw and look at family pictures that she kept piled in a desk drawer. My momma had a similarly stuffed drawer in her desk at home. "momma, tell me about this one....." I would love to hear the stories they would share. When my mamaw died all I wanted were pictures. I save pictures and love even the fuzzy ones. I love digital cameras for the sole reason that I can just keep taking pictures and download them. I don't have to save up money to have them all printed, I can enjoy right away.

This week we went to a photo studio with our coupon for "favorite pose package" for $7.99. I wanted to have pictures of Emma taken and a family photo. We had a good time and then sat down to view the photos and choose our favorite one that we were going to purchase. I kept thinking "I know all we can afford with our budget is the coupon price, but what happens to all the other beautiful pictures. ...they will just be deleted!" I actually got teary-eyed and choked up when I had to chose only one. I am very happy with the one I chose, but still feel sad that I cannot have them all.

A New Day

Just recently I discovered an important fact that I need to remind myself of daily now. When you don't open up and share your life with others, you steal their ability to learn from you and share in your joys and sorrows in life. That statement may seem easy and a given to most, but to me who is more introspective and introverted, though I love people and love listening to their stories, it is a struggle. I am not gifted with the ability to write and speak in an eloquent manner, but I do sometimes think more clearly when I journal. Most of the time the journal is only for my eyes, which is why I have not had an easy time with this blog concept. That is clearly revealed by the fact that my last post was from over two years ago. That said, here I go....

April first, yesterday is and has been a hard day for me for the last 4 years. Everyday is tough in remembering, but April first is a day that marks a time that should have been filled with happiness. Four years ago in 2008 I gave birth to our firstborn, our beautiful baby boy at 21 weeks. When he was finally born after 24 hours of labor, we were filled with relief that part was over for those 24 hours were spent grieving the fact that when he arrived he would not be alive. He had tangled in his life support, the umbilical cord, and met his demise as revealed on ultrasound. The sorrow is so deep, there isn't a word that describes the loss of your child. It goes far beyond not having your baby. It is empty arms that were ready to hold, it is dreams that would not be fulfilled, it is so much more that in the last four years I have not found the words to describe. We experienced 3 first trimester miscarriages over the next three years and with that other holes are created in my heart.

Yesterday I sought the ability to search out my blessings that have come only through that sorrow. I have been able to develop a empathy to other women that others cannot grasp unless they too have suffered a loss. I have had opportunity to minister to women in a special way because of it. I am blessed because the experience of loss drew and continues to draw my husband together in an amazing way. I always knew he was wonderful and that he loves me deeply, but this magnified it so much more and I appreciate him the way I should for the wonderful man he is. I am blessed because last year we were blessed with our now 6 month old beautiful baby girl. I sometimes look at her and though I am appreciating her for who she is I still wonder how her brother might have been at her age. My arms are no longer empty and though she does not fill the holes I have in my heart, she brings to me a fullness of love in being her mother that helps to cover the old wounds so that they aren't quite as sharp.

Today is a new day, each day is a new day to reflect on how I have grown, how I have learned and how I have persevered and how blessed I am.

Peru

The last blog series fell by the way side because no one commented. How childish I am. This Bog is so that I can hear myself think not so that I can have comments feed my ego. : )

The month of December was a journey to remember. We went on a mission trip to Peru. I think back to how I worried about everything before we left. What else do I need to bring with us? That was a constant thought as though I couldn't live with out my stuff here. The majority of my thoughts and worries were about safety. Read some of the reports about Lima Peru on the internet and you will understand what I was worried about. I also worried about getting sick from the food, water, air, whatever! It is good to have a good dose of preparedness mixed with a sense of reality, but I fret over what is unknown to me so much. It was how I expressed my apprehension and excited anticipation about the trip. So with all of my little bottles of everything we could possibly need pharmaceutically and enough probiotics, and airborne in my system for the last two weeks we set off on our adventure.

(I don't think John worried about anything having been on two mission trips previously.)

It was an amazing time. There was a group of 35 of us from Wisconsin that went. We only knew 8 of the group prior to going because they were pastors from the conference. It was great to see everyone's excitement and hear stories about how people were able to raise the funds to go by rummage sales and gifts from church family. When there is a will and determination to go, the funds will come because of generous people and God's desire to get us there. We quickly became a family of friends. We had the group buddy system for safety wherever we went. We had a few extra days to "relax" and prepare for the meetings to start so that lent itself for us to be brave and explore a little in Miraflores where our hotel was located. Those were some fun adventures laughing with new friends.

the first Saturday we met our translator, Sandra and our host pastor, Ronald. There are 5 churches in his district and so we visited each one encouraging the people to bring their neighbors and friends to the meetings starting the next night. Everyone was so happy that we had come and waved enthusiastically and shook our hands or hugged us. We saw the site that we would be doing the meetings and met the sweet lady who was donating her home to start this new church. We let go of most of our fears of the unknown that day. We already knew who was at work here.

Each night we were enthusiastically greeted. Many came because they wanted to hear the health messages that I presented, but they got more than that. They heard John speak next of Jesus's love and desire for their lives and people were changed that week. I had only prepared for giving health messages, but God had a bigger plan for me. The pastor begged me to do something for the children so on the second night I started sharing with the kids after I shared the health topic. The children shared with me. I was so glad that I didn't say no to God and his reminder that I was there to help and serve. I was reminded that I didn't have to have a big production, but needed to have a genuine smile and heart for the children. They loved acting out bible stories, singing songs in english, teaching me songs in spanish and loved the crafts that I scrounged up for them. They loved the tall white, blue eyed girl from Wisconsin that came to spend time with them.

The new church was dedicated at the end of the meetings. 10 people gave their lives to Jesus and 10 people dedicated themselves to serve as mentors to them in this new beginning for the neighborhood that knows of pickpockets, other forms of theft and prostitution. It was hard to say goodbye to this group of people who had accepted us as family. They are family, in the family of God, miles away.

Oh how I loved coming back to the hotel each night to hear about all of the other teams experiences in their churches. We all had the shared excitement of seeing people take a step forward to accept a new life. We were all safe during our whole journey, and most of us didn't get sick. Most of us left with the question of wonder of where God will send us next.

CAPTIVATING 2

Chapter 2 (summarized)

What Eve Alone Can Tell

"Eve is the crescendo, the final astonishing work of God. Woman. She is the Master's finishing touch." Every woman should remind herself that "the whole, vast world is incomplete with out me. Creation reached its zenith in me." Eve is created because things were not right with out her.

Women are relational to their core. This tells us of God's desire and capacity for intimate relationship, yearns for relationship with us. God longs to be loved by you. God yearns to share a life of beauty, intimacy and adventure with us.

God's mission to Adam and Eve to be fruitful and conquer (Gen 1: 26-28) shows we are to live this adventure of life together. Eve is his "ezer kenegdo" helper, companion, help meet, sustainer beside him, lifesaver alongside. This reflects God's plan to be the lifesaver alongside his created beings, to share in the adventure alongside, not in the sidelines.

Beauty. The created world is filled with the glory of God. The reason why a woman asks, Do you delight in me? is because God does as well. God id captivating beauty.

Beauty speaks. In nature there is rest. That is what it is like to be with a woman at rest. a woman comfortable with her feminine beauty.

Beauty invites. Beauty nourishes and offers life. Beauty comforts and soothes the soul. Beauty inspires. Beauty is transcendent and is sometimes so deep it pierces us with a longing. Beauty draws us to the creator, to God. One of the deepest ways a woman bears the image of God is in her "mystery"- something to be explored. God wants to be known and sought after by those who would know him.

CAPTIVATING

Most of you know how much I enjoy reading a good book. How many of you have read "Captivating" By John and Stasi Eldridge? If you have read it again and comment, and if you haven't, read it. I am only on chapter 5 and I am reading it slowly. I am doing something I never do as well, which is taking notes and journaling on my self reflections. It is a lovely experience.

Chapter 1 (summarized)

A Woman's Heart

A woman's heart desires to be romanced. We love feeling wanted and fought for.

A woman's heart desires a irreplaceable role in a great adventure. a woman is a warrior too.

A woman's heart desires beauty to unveil. To be beautiful, feel beautiful and recognized as beautiful. She has a desire to be captivating in the depths of who she is. In the beauty of your heart, and depth of spirit.